Empowerment from Within

By Lauren Kennedy      http://www.InsitetoExcellence.com

Our thoughts, intellect and rational processes of deduction have achieve a preferred status as the most dependable, reliable and intelligent method of managing our lives, our decisions, our goals, our relationships, our beliefs, our behaviors and even our emotions.

To be valid and factual, everything must be measurable, quantifiable, and finite.  Stoic self discipline and adherence to tradition are regarded as indicators of character, respectability,  dependability and loyalty. Routine, schedules, and structure are the framework for productivity, efficiency, and stability.

These concepts give us the illusion of security, control and entitlement. They are the basic underpinnings of maintaining a social  order, dictating appropriate norms, assigning  levels  of social acceptability and worth in our civilized societies.

The intellect is revered as our  premier faculty that enables us  to rise above our animal instincts  and establish civilization. We point to our superior intelligence as the quality that elevates us above the rest of the animal species.

Unfortunately, in the process, we are eliminating, devaluing, and denying the many characteristics and innate qualities that make us who we are. These same qualities have enabled us to take  the intuitive leap in perspective that has increased our understanding of the world, the universe, and our place and connection in the rest of creation.

Greatness Comes from Within

It was Einstein’s imagination and intuition that lead to a profoundly new perspective  that revised  the laws of physics. The wonder and curiosity that he felt for the incredible workings of the universe, fueled his determination, inspired his unorthodox theories  and instilled a belief in cooperation between nation’s rather than dominance.

Through their creativity and courage, the founding father’s of this country envisioned a new form of government and authored the constitution and principles of a new nation.

Martin Luther King Jr. facing a nation seeped in bigotry,  lead 25,000 people in a march, inspiring them to maintain his ideal of peaceful protest, while they endured act of violence against them.  It was his impassioned  vision, his commitment to his principles, and the positive energy that emanated from his spirit that moved a nation towards upholding its stated principles.

Mother Teresa fed, healed and comforted multitudes of people, generated funds and support through her unwavering compassion, determination and devotion. Empowered and guided by the inner voice of her spirit,  her resolve attracted the resources needed to continue her mission.

These examples of human achievement were not the result of intellect, adherence to convention, standards of social acceptability, or established logic.

The Impossible is Fueled by Passion and Desire

Each of these people accomplished the impossible, not through the powers of their intellect, but through qualities that are not measurable, definite or finite.  They became figures of progress, awareness, and transformation because of their willingness to override their intellectual rigidity and follow their passion, their intuition and the promptings of their spirit.

They were guided by their feelings, not their intellect. They may have used their intellect for the planning phase of their dream and to make the longing in their heart become a reality. But they were guided, motivated and energized by their feelings.

It is the range and depth of our feelings that make us the special and unique species that we have become. It is our feelings, in concert with our true intention that moves mountains, changes government, and inspires imagination, intuition and ultimately creations.

If Mind Resists, Emotions Persist

We blame our emotional reactions on our feelings. But it our mind’s resistance to experiencing them that causes our self defeating,  violent, and desperate actions. It is our inability to interpret their message that produces our missteps. It is our lack of knowledge that causes us to resist, suppress and condemn a source of energy that can produce our most powerful creations and our most meaningful and fulfilling experiences.

Feelings are the language of our soul. They are constantly telling us who we are Being in each interaction, in each circumstance , in each experience, in each moment.

And it is who I am Being, my true intention and my feelings that create my perception, my experience, my world.

If you would like to discover how to experience the freedom and abundance that you desire,

Call me at: 513-889-1870 to schedule a free consultation or email me: excellence@cinci.rr.com

to schedule an appointment.

The Critic, The Worrier, The Victim, The Perfectionist

by Lauren Kennedy     http://www.InsitetoExcellence.com

Negative self talk, negative thoughts, self defeating beliefs – we have been warned that these negative messages  are the enemy to a positive, abundant and successful life . But amid the incessant chatter that occurs in most of our minds, learning to identify and recognize these harmful, subversive foes can be tricky. Their well disguised messages slip into our minds unnoticed.

Our internal dialogs are constantly communicating opinions, judgments, and assumptions to us.  Sometimes they communicates in words, other times, with images, and sometimes an impression is enough to ensure our allegiance to their agenda.  There are several varieties of self talk and they each have different roles. We have lived with these various characters for so long that we often are not even aware of them. They are expert at disguising their messages so that they appear as rational, logical or responsible concerns. Even when we are aware of their warnings, alarms or condemnations, we don’t  recognize that their input is negative, skewed or out of date.

Facts about Negative Self Talk

Here’s some facts about negative self talk so you will no longer be at such a disadvantage.

Self talk is so automatic and subtle that we don’t notice the effect that it has on our attitude and emotions. We react without even realizing that we our obeying these negative messages.

Self talk can take the form of an image, one word, memories or associations. It’s not always in sentence form. The images and associations, can be even more powerful than self talk that is delivered in a sentence. For example, the thought, ” No one will go out with you,” is not as powerful as a technicolor image of a past, public rejection.

No matter how irrational, self talk always sounds like the truth. The assumptions that we draw about the current situation is based on our irrational self talk, rather than the actual facts of the present circumstance. Then, we base our decisions, behaviors and actions on those faulty assumptions.

Negative self talk is self perpetuating and results in avoidance.  For example, Joe’s self talk tells him that he is clumsy and awkward in social situations.  The fact that he has no friends seems to justify this statement. However, the reason he has no friends is because he avoids any social contact, for fear of looking clumsy and awkward. Thus he has no friends because he avoids any opportunity to make friends.  But that connection eludes to him.

Four Basic Types of Self Talk Characters

I have outlined the four basic self talk characters. These character descriptions enabled my clients to identify their own negative self talk more easily.

The Worrier: promotes anxiety

The worrier  always anticipates the worse, overestimates the odds of something bad or embarrassing happening, imagines scenes of catastrophic failure, unimaginable terror, or  unbearable hardship, with you as the main character. “What if” is the worrier’s signature phrase. What if you lose your job. What if your spouse isn’t really working late. What if that falling star is really a meteor. He also diligently watches for any indications of apprehension or anxiety in you, and uses these common sensations as confirmation that his dire scenarios are legitimate.  If you decide to go left, he will worry you about all the possible things that could go wrong. So you back track and go right. Now he worries about a new set of catastrophes resulting from the delay of backing up. We cannot know the future, so we can’t absolutely negate his imaginings. And the worrier will continue to conjure up frightening scenarios. So if you think you must quell his anxieties before you take action or make a decision, you might as well resign yourself to a life imprisoned in your home, eating comfort foods and watching the soaps. Be sure the peanut butter cups are salmonella free.

The Critic: promotes low self esteem

The critic is constantly judging and evaluating you. He emphasizes your flaws, limitations,  and mistakes. He compares you unfavorably to others by highlighting their best qualities and contrasting them with your weaknesses. Any accomplishment you achieve is minimized. The critic does this by pointing out: what you could have done better, (you could have won by 10 points instead of a close margin of 5), that you only succeeded because you had help and encouragement, that  the challenge wasn’t that difficult for you so it doesn’t really count,  or cautions you that your achievement was just luck, a one time wonder. He may even blame you for other peoples’ behaviors. (If you had reminded your friend about your weekly luncheon date, he may not have stood you up)  And he expects perfection. No matter how hard you try, you will never please the critic.  His job is to find fault and he takes his work seriously. You will never get any comfort or validation from him. He prides himself on being the drill sergeant from hell. And if you listen, you will be right there with him.

The Victim: promotes depression

The victim alleges that you are hopelessly incapable of making your way in the big bad world. He points our your powerlessness to change insurmountable issues, world hunger, corporate corruption, war, your friends depression. How could you possibly manage your life in a world where you do not make a difference. He also likes to convince you that you are responsible for other people’s feelings. (If your children are upset when they are disciplined, you must not be communicating effectively. If you refrain from discipline , you are an irresponsible parent.) He has put you in a catch 22 and then  points out the hopelessness of your situation. And just in case that doesn’t work, he convinces you that there is something inherently wrong, inadequate, defective or unworthy about you. He tops this off with the idea that since you are unworthy, you deserve your lot in life, so when someone mistreats you, it’s because you have failed  in some way. Therefore you have no right to expect anything better than what you get. He is very thorough. He has blocked all of your intellectual exists. If you try to achieve something, he tells you that you are being grandiose. If you don’t, you are weak. If someone mistreats you, its because you deserve it. If you try to stand up for yourself, you don’t have that right because you are unworthy. He graduated at the top of the negative self talk class. You will never beat him in an intellectual debate because he doesn’t play fair. And besides, since you are unworthy, you don’t deserve to win.

The Perfectionist: promotes chronic stress and burnout

The perfectionist is a relentless master. He is intolerant of the notion that you are human. This is just an excuse to him. He is never satisfied with your performance. You could have done better if you had studied instead of slept for those two long hours. You should never lose control. You should always be pleasant.  Giving in to fatigue, illness, or pain is a lack of self discipline. He will analyze every conversation, every decision, every interaction and inform you of how you could have done better. He convinces you that your worth as a person is based on the greatness of your achievements, your level of dedication, your degree of self discipline, your ability to remain nice to others regardless of their behavior. Mistakes are intolerable and are an indication that you have been irresponsible or complacent. Some perfectionist may focus on certain priorities over others. He may not be concerned about how others are affected as long as you brilliantly achieve the desire goal . But no matter how brilliant the conquest, he will be ready with a list, citing the things that you could have done better. Other times he will insist that you make an outstanding contribution to society, sustain a lucrative career, take care of your ill parent, and still maintain the same level of responsibility and service in your personal relationships. He always expects more than is humanly possible and then chastises you for falling short. He constantly reminds you that only through exceptional performance will you acquire worth, value, and importance as a person. And your performance will never, ever be good enough. Therefore, neither are you. Listen to him and you end up in a psyche ward making the most perfectly elaborate leather belts or you will become a demanding dictator, hell bent on super human performance and stellar results from yourself and others no matter the cost.

These Characters are Not the Enemy

Unfortunately, often we may discover that we have more than one of these characters leading us around by the nose.  The Victim and Perfectionist together can seem like an especially cruel team.  But our misery, contrary to appearance is not their goal. They are simply doing the job that our subconscious request they do. Protect us from emotional pain and allow us to continue to avoid facing our fears.

Yes, as always, it comes back to us. These characters are not the result of undue hardship,  cut throat competition, agents of the devil or rogue viruses messing with our brain. We created them from our desire to avoid certain feelings. We hired The Critic to make certain that we  cover all our bases so we can avoid the fear or pain of criticism from others. The Worrier’s job duties are to conjure up worse case scenarios,  all sorts of possible catastrophes, and unpleasant interactions so we can take all the necessary precautions to avoid the unexpected, unwanted, unhappiness in the world. The Victim is employed  to keep us  down so no one will feel threatened, angry, disappointed, etc and lash out or reject us,  triggering the debilitating feeling of shame.  And the Perfectionist agenda is to ensure that we are wonderful, needed, respected and revered, so no one will have reason to dispute our rights, our sense of entitlement or decide  to restrict us from doing, getting or being what we want. His other job duty is to protect us from our fear of failure.

We have given these characters quite a lot of power and importance. They are convinced that  their job is indispensible and they don’t want any pink slips. So debating with them is useless. Anyway we’d just be arguing with a part of ourselves. They are a persuasive bunch because there is a basis of truth to their incessant noise.  Bad things do happen, we can not avoid criticized, we are all hurt at times, and people will always dispute our right to be, do or have want we want or who we are.

But to spend our lives dousing our house with water in case our next door neighbor sets his house on fire by falling asleep with a cigarette is an ineffective plan. Someone might  launch a bomb into your yard by mistake instead. Better build a bomb shelter, too. Neither can we  avoid criticism or reach perfection in everyone’s eyes. Working through lunch may be a mark of dedication to us. But others may assume that we think we are too good to lunch with them or we are just brown nosing. And our employer may conclude that we must work through lunch because we are not efficient enough to get our work done in a timely manner. It’s crazy making.

Resisting them is not a good option either. Remember: what you resist persists.

We Relinquish Our Power when We Refuse to Face and Experience Our Feelings

Nor should we treat them as an enemy. That supposes they are powerful. It is we who have given them power. As long as we refuse to face and experience our fears, we will continue to relinquish our power.

To stop the madness, we only need be willing to accept that feelings are a part of life. When we deny our feelings, we diminish our life experience and our awareness of our personal experience. Our life is only half lived and we are only partially conscious of ourself and our Being.  We cannot avoid avoid our feelings. Only our conscious knowledge of them. They exist inside us, creating havoc, whether we are aware of it or not.

We must be willing to experience those feelings that we have tried to avoid by control, submission, avoidance or manipulation.  Through our desire to avoid our fears, we hired these characters to enable us to resist, deny, ignore or suppress our feelings.

Feelings are Not the Cause of Our Emotional Reactions

We have been  conditioned to believe that feelings are the reason that we act irrationally. Not true. Emotional reactions occur when we have repress our feelings,  try to avoid certain feelings or judge our feelings or ourselves for having them. Emotional reactions, compulsions, impulsiveness, health issues are the result our repressed negative feelings. When we learn to experience our feelings and discharge them, we are free to choose our behavior.

My clients report that when they fully experience the feelings, their feelings do subside. Plus the situations that used to trigger these feelings, become less and less frequent and less intense. Often, the actual feelings are not as frightening as they had imagined.  And rather than constantly reacting  to the fear of experiencing a particular feeling, they begin to make decisions, choices, and take action  based on their goals, priorities, desires and dreams. Their life changes because their focus changes. Instead of resisting their feelings, they can focus on their dreams.

If You Don’t Deal with Your Feelings, They will Deal with You

When you spend all your time and energy avoiding, denying or suppressing your feelings by controlling or manipulating people and situations, you cannot focus your energy and awareness on your goals, dreams or enjoy your life. If you don’t deal with your feelings, they will deal with you. Thinking happy thoughts to cover your feelings only delays the inevitable.  Keep putting energy into a container, sooner or later it’s going to explode, no matter how much you affirm or visualize it staying contained.

Visualization is wonderfully effective  when used to create your own experience.  For example, when you experience fear, self doubt or anxiety about a situation or interaction, visualize yourself in that situation or interaction. Imagine that you are being, doing and acting as you would like to be, do and act and then believe that the outcome will be favorable.

Change Who You are Being and Everything Changes

Visualization is highly effective for changing who we are being. And who we are being, effects everything else.     If we are being a person that is resisting, avoiding or denying our feelings, then we are being fearful, irresponsible, controlled, and powerless. Those negative self talk characters will jump to our defense and we will react to their proddings. Only by having the courage and wisdom to experience our feelings and who we are being,  can we become a person that is empowered, insightful, purposeful, prioritized and free.

When we decide to face and experience our feelings, our self and our life, we are free to choose our response to each situation. With no call to action the self talk will fall silent and we will instead hear our own inner guidance.  And that message is always life enhancing.

A lifetime of suppressing or denying our feelings and the resulting negative self talk can be a challenge to overcome on our own. Just because a process is simple, doesn’t mean that it is easy. But believe me, the results are worth the effort.

If you would like some support with negative self talk or any other issue, please call or email me for a 30 minute free consultation.

excellence@cinci.rr.com

513-889-1870

Special Moments Are Priceless

Lauren Kennedy - http://www.InsitetoExcellence.com

We all have those special moments in our lives that we cherish, our most precious memories. Thinks of those moments in your life.

What are they? What makes them special?

• Why do we watch with admiration and amazement when one person risks their own life to save another.
• Why is our child’s graduation from college a memorable and special moment?
• After experiencing discomfort, disfigurement and pain of childbirth, why do women choose to go through it a second or third time?
• When our child takes its first steps, why to we grab the camcorder to capture it on film?
• Why do we pause to marvel at a beautiful sunset? Or watch in awed at the grace, agility and power of a tiger?
• Why are acts of courage eagerly recounted over and over again?

What make each of these moments so special and memorable? What do they all have in common?

They elicit powerful, deep sensations and feelings within us. If we did not experience intense feelings about these moments, they would fade in our memories with the other millions of memories filed away in our minds.

Unfortunately, I have had many clients who view their own lives as typically monotonous, punctuated only by those few special moments. But each day, we can fill our moments with special experiences. But first we must learn to live consciously, with focused awareness and be willing to fully experience each moment.

How many potentially moving experiences slip by our awareness each day?

While our minds are thinking, analyzing, judging and debating concepts or situations from the unreachable past or nonexistent future, we overlook or barely register many potential special moments: people who may touch our hearts, the satisfaction of challenges well met, the mistakes that could reveal the knowledge for better choices, the opportunity to  reignite our dreams , the comfort of our dog’s undying loyalty, and the exhilaration of self discovery.

Even our negative feelings illuminate certain vital insights, urging us to make choices that bring out the best in us. If we had never experienced the fear and panic from threat or danger, we could not empathize, nor would we be motivated to risk our life for another. The sight of hundreds of elephants, slaughtered only for their tusks, their once strong and majestic bodies, bloated and rotting under the sun, would not move us to take action without feelings of compassion and resolve. And it is that compassion, fear and horror which  we experience at the atrocities and the dehumanizing acts of war, that fuels our desire to seek peaceful alternatives to resolve our differences. (However war movies depicting it as exciting and noble have the opposite effect.)

We Avoid the Experiences that We Cherish

Sadly, we typically are unaware of the many potentially moving or profound moments that each day holds for us. We are focused on other priorities. We routinely avoid involvement. We may mentally record the information, but we avoid feeling the experience.

Most of us gratefully drop into bed at night, exhausted from a blur of non stop activity, our head spinning from multi-tasking, relieved to have made it through another day. We wake up, our minds already busy planning the days activities. We convince ourselves that we are up to the day’s numerous demands, suck up our insecurities, and quiet our misgivings. Then we don the appropriate image while gathering our defenses to protect our assumptions, to remain unaffected by circumstances and to assure we do not expose any weaknesses.

Feelings create the moments that are special, wonderful, and worthwhile in our lives. Feelings combined with empathy, motivate us to take risks to help another, or to use our imagination and creativity rather than resort to brute force.

Intellect – King of Propaganda

Yet we condemn our feelings, inaccurately believing that our feelings are responsible for all our suffering and our negative behaviors. We consider feelings unreliable. We claim feelings are an expression of our lower animal nature, on one hand and then allege that animals have no feelings, so it matters not how we treat them. We proclaim that it is our intellect alone that is reliable and trustworthy, despite evidence to the contrary.

We admire the stoic and self contained among us. We dismiss people who express their feelings as over dramatic, weak, and unreliable. We try to dismiss, reject, or ignore inconvenient feelings and even try to subdue our joy, excitement and empathy in fear that it is misplaced, that it will be misunderstood, or that we will be misjudged.

Evolution of Feelings

We strive for detachment, avoidance and disassociation from our feelings, alienating us from ourselves and each other. We scoff at intuition as an old wives tale. We have demoted feelings as an erratic response, to chemical reactions, produced by our reptilian brains, which induces an inconvenient reaction akin to bad breath. Those are the facts that our “infallible” intellect feeds us. Ironically, creatures experience deeper and more varied feelings as they evolve. Dogs are certainly capable of greater loyalty than crocodiles. And crocodiles display more feelings than an ameba.

But we overlook these discrepancies. Intellect is supreme.

Then we seek excitement, drama, competition, aversions and addictions to make us feel alive, to fill the emptiness, to quiet the longing for something more.

I read an article suggesting total detachment as a formula to avoid experiencing negative emotions and impulsive behavior. The author suggested that we should endeavor to remain as emotionally detached from our lives as we are capable of being when we watch a movie. However, when I go to a movie and remained detached, it is not nearly as enjoyable or as satisfying.

The Movies We Most Enjoy Are the One That Make Us Laugh or Cry

If I pay to watch a mystery movie and remain detached, emotionally uninvolved, and unmoved by the unexpected thrills,  I have wasted my money. I have more fun and satisfaction if I become attentive and involved, and experience the unexpected surprises and unknown dangers. I enjoy the mystery without being physically harmed.

(Feelings experienced, don’t cause physical harm, only feelings denied.)

It becomes a much more rewarding activity. Plus I got the full value of the experience for which I paid. I got my money’s worth. (The principle is the same whether it is a drama, a tragedy, a documentary or a romance movie.)

I earned a Master Degree in Detached and Unaware.

I lived the greater part of my life numb, detached, or purposely unaware. I initially perfected those defenses to gain approval, to be seen as a good, strong girl. I could have received an award for my portrayal of Pollyanna.

Later, I used my addictions to keep my feelings hidden from others and myself. I cut myself off from an invaluable source of information. My feelings would have alerted me to the truth: I had imprisoned and denied my true self in order to continue meeting other’s expectations in the hopes of gaining approval and respect.

Even when I put down the addictions, I briefly continued to ignore and discount my feelings. I slid into my macho role. I desperately wanted to be treated with respect. Most importantly, I wanted my thoughts, knowledge, experience and goals to be heard, my determination and commitment to be taken seriously. I wanted others to acknowledge me as a capable and significant person.

I lived detached from my body, feelings and experiences. I existed as a thinking machine. I was watching my life, not living it. And since I did not feel, I often did not recognize when I was being mistreated or used. I do not recommend this approach. I was devaluing myself and my life. Not only was I not getting my money’s worth, I was being over charged and eagerly paid the bill.

A Return to My Sense, My Feelings and Myself

Gratefully, I soon realized that my feelings were not an embarrassment or a curse. Rather they are a gift. They direct me to my truth, they give my life meaning, purpose and connect me to my innate essence. I realized that the respect and acknowledgment that I had been seeking from others is not what I lacked. And no amount  of acclaim would give me what I needed.

I was trying to quench a mighty thirst by eating more and more. Only water could satisfy that thirst. My feelings guided me to my thirst. But I had to find and drink the water.

Feelings are not the Perpetrator

The choice is not total detachment or uncontrolled reaction. An emotional reaction is not the same as experiencing one’s feelings. Feelings do not cause negative behavior. It is repressed or bottled up emotions, unresolved issues, faulty perceptions and unmet needs that are the underlying causes for our emotional reactions and our self defeating, negative behaviors.

Without feelings there can be no experience, only observation, analysis, and judgment. Experience requires total attention and awareness, mind, body and soul. Or thought, feeling and Being.

Passion is the engine of creation. And creation is the breath of life. But passion can only be sustained by fully experiencing the life you have created. Having fully experience your creation, your passion will inspire you to create an even grander life for you to experience. And your true feelings will illuminate the way.

Embrace your feelings. Experience each moment. And get your money’s worth from your life.

• Would you like to experience more special moments in your life?
• Do you want to achieve Emotional Freedom?
• Then please call for a free 30 minute consultation.
• Ask for Lauren  -  513-889-1870
• Or email me at excellence@cinci.rr.com
  

No Strings Attached

By Lauren Kennedy – http://www.InsitetoExcellence.com

Another Universal Law was being discussed in a forum I read recently. It was the Law of Reciprocity.

This law, just like the Law of Attraction is not anything new. It has long been expressed in various ways. The Golden Rule, what goes around comes around, it all comes out in the wash and I am certain there are more. Every Prophet and teacher has endorsed a version of this law.

There were comments for and against the validity of the Law of Reciprocity. Sometimes we discount the Universal Laws due to our perspective. In the case of the Law of Reciprocity, we assume that if we give an apple, we will receive an apple. And we usually place a due date on our repayment.  The Universe has a broader perspective and a different agenda. Our true intentions and motives, our unresolved issues,  and our expectations greatly affect the results.

Here are a few examples to illustrate this point.

Mother Carol did everything she could for her children. She when to bat for them if they got in trouble at school. She spent evenings making certain that they completed their homework assignments perfectly so they would receive high marks in school. She did without to provide a substantial trust fund for them so that they could attend the best Universities and become wealthy, respected and influential adults.

However, after his high school graduation, one son decided that he would rather join the Peace Corp and use his trust fund to support his travels to  assist people in countries that had been devastated by drought, disease or war.

Mother Carol felt betrayed. After all her efforts, he was going to throw away the opportunities for which she had sacrificed her time, money and effort to provide him.

Mother Carol’s assistance was not freely given. She had an expectation of payment. She expected her son to repay her with his life choices.

Deacon Bob was a respected member of his church. He made a point of being available to advise his fellow parishioners who lacked his faith and self discipline. He spent vacations doing missionary work to save the souls of the primitive population. Many Saturdays, he helped out at the food pantry so the children, whose parents’ couldn’t seem to keep a job, would not go hungry. Deacon Bob was going to great lengths to  assure himself a  reservation in heaven.

Then one night his oldest daughter ran a red light as she returned home from a tavern. She was intoxicated and hadn’t noticed that the light had changed. The resulting accident  left a woman paralyzed.

Deacon Bob knew he  had set a good example for his children.  Now her sins had harmed another person and reflected poorly on his role as a father.  How could God allow his daughter to humiliate him.

Deacon Bob gave to gain the admiration of the church, to be recognized for his faith and loyalty to God, and to assure his place in heaven. Due to his self righteous attitude, he judged others who did not measure up to his religious standards. He was not giving freely. He made a transaction. And he has already been paid.

Suzy seldom turns down a request. She has allowed people to stay in her home for months at a time. She has loaned out her car and money. She puts her plans or goals on the back burner or changes them altogether to keeps others happy.But no one seems to appreciate her.

But at least they need her.

Suzy has traded her life for approval. She, too, has been paid.

Allen helped his unemployed brother find a job, helped him with the down payment for an apartment, and gave him his old car, since he could always write it off on his taxes. Three months later, Allen learned that his brother had lost the job and the apartment because he could not get to work on time.

Allen felt he had been a patsy and vowed to make certain that he only helped people that truly deserved it from then on.

Allen was upset because he perceived that his efforts had been a failure. But that is just his perspective.  Perhaps in spite of his brother’s inability to follow through, Allen’s concern had meant a great deal to him. And perhaps, remembering Allen’s acts of caring and support will motivate him to find a solution to his issues.

We create who we are and who we will become in each moment, with every action. It is not the outcome of our actions that creates our character, it is our true intentions, our attitude and our choices. Furthermore, no human has the insight, knowledge or foresight to judge which individual is worth lending a helping hand. Nor is it our place to do so.

If I give with expectations attached, if I give to assure a particular outcome, if I give for approval, respect, admiration or reward, if I give to leverage control, or if I keep a tally sheet comparing what I have given with what I have received, then I am not truly giving. I am making a trade. I am expecting a reward. I am getting paid.

It is when we do something for someone just because it needs to be done and we are able to do it, that we are giving freely. And then, only if we do not use it as a badge of honor, but let it fade from our memory the same way we would soon forget about opening a door for a person with a child in either arm.

Even so, that is no guarantee that we won’t be gotten.

I have become a fairly generous person. However, a situation comes to mind in which I was taken for a ride. An unpleasant one.

A Lesson Learned for which I Paid Dearly

When I first began my  internet business, I discovered I needed some instruction on technical aspects and internet marketing. I ended up loosing a substantial amount of money for services and mentoring that I purchased and never received, or I received significantly less than I was promised and for which I paid dearly.

My earlier life experience has taught me that  yes, “shit” happens. But when the same shit repeatedly happens to me, I need to look at my part. And I realized a few mistakes I had made.

The Mistakes

I had allowed the sales person to convince me to buy a service that cost more than I could comfortably afford  lose. I didn’t take time to research the organization, and I relented at the sales person insistence that I take immediate action, instead of following my personal rule to first sleep on it.  I had allowed my need for assistance and my desire to create a successful business take precedence. The result was that I bought their pitch instead of listening to my intuition.

The Issues
And I also realized that I had a few tendencies that I needed to address.

I realized that I need to focus my awareness so I realize when someone pushes my self doubt triggers.  Then I can choose to respond from my knowledge and gut “knowing” rather than react to my triggered emotions.  I discovered that paying top dollar doesn’t necessarily mean that you get quality service. The experience reinforced the knowledge that I must  trust my experience,  my abilities, my insight, my determination and creativity  to produce the results I desire. Trying to rush the outcome for the illusion of a comforting guarantee is self defeating.  From then on, I vowed to stop second guessing the validity and merit of my ideas and insights,  because then someone else inevitably beats me to the punch, or the market.

While the lessons I acquired do not excuse unscrupulous tactics, the result is that I am a more capable business woman, I learned the value of trusting my instincts, I found a effective marketing coach with integrity, and I discovered that am more capable than I had realized.

Failure Experienced results in Fear Lessened
I inevitably felt that I had failed by mismanaging the financial end of the business. While rather unpleasant at the time, it didn’t destroy me. Now failure is less of a boogey man. So perhaps, in the larger picture, I wasn’t ripped off after all.

It was still quite an expensive lesson however.

My vote  on the validity of the Law of Reciprocity is a resounding “YES” .  I know that it works. Although there have been many times that I have felt betrayed,  ripped off, or stabbed in the back, there was always a truth to be realized, a caution light to be heeded,   an awareness be  revealed, or a belief that needed adjustment.

And in the growing expanse of my life, I have been the recipient of generosity out of the blue, when I most needed it.  I have recovered from or averted situations that logically should have devastated or ended my life. And I have overcome obstacles and resolved personal issues that others were betting would destroy me.

However there actually is a payoff for striving to honestly and freely give of ourselves  and graciously receive – even the unpleasantness.

I have experienced it.

It is an inner sense of worth, personal freedom, self efficacy,  and empowerment that grows with each choice to give freely, without expectation or a hidden agenda.

There is no better payoff than that.

And it’s a freebie.

Post your thoughts, experiences or feelings about this article. I look forward to reading all of them.

Forgive or Forget?

Most of us concur that the concept of forgiveness is a good and noble one. But when we are significantly injured, emotionally or physically, we find the notion of forgiveness less appealing.

We find reasons why forgiveness would be counter productive. We decide that the offending person can not learn their lesson if we forgive them or we conclude that they do not deserve our forgiveness. Instead, we spend significant time and energy recounting the pain and suffering that we endured.

We may even give lip service to forgiving the offender. However, we frequently continue to relate the depth of our suffering to an attentive audience, enjoying the noble role of a martyr. Or we may use our painful experience to validate an opinion or generalization that we have about a particular group of people.  We can also use our unfortunate treatment as an excuse for our own behavior.

Sometimes we can use our suffering to gain pity in an attempt to manipulate someone into a course of action or simply to get attention. If the offender is a “loved one”, we may continuously remind them of the pain they caused us, triggering on going guilt in order to manipulate them to do our will.

And then we may publicly proclaim our forgiveness of the undeserving to gain respect and admiration of our high moral fiber, thus turning forgiveness into self righteousness.

What Is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness doesn’t mean to forget. But it does mean that I am no longer reliving the pain, hurt and anger. It doesn’t mean that I excuse the behavior. However It does mean that I don’t judge the person, only the behavior. It doesn’t mean that I don’t protect myself from further abuse. But it does mean that I treat the person with respect and that I do not actively pursue actions that would cause them harm or shame.

I recently saw a documentary that illustrated true forgiveness.

The documentary was about white supremacy groups or hate groups. Two former members were interviewed. They have changed their ways and their beliefs. And now they are speaking to youth groups in an effort to prevent them from being lured into this lifestyle of hate and  violence.

One of them, we’ll call him Doug,  worked for  a center dedicated to preventing hate crimes. While working there, Doug met another man who was also helping to spread a positive message. We’ll call him Dave. As they ate lunch together, a unpleasant realization slowly dawned on them.  Dave was one of Doug’s former victims. Doug had beat Dave mercilessly and  left him for dead, because he was gay.

Dave didn’t think that he could ever forgive Doug for the pain and humiliation that he had suffered at his hands.

However, several days later,  the center scheduled both of them to speak to a group of students together. During the presentation the Doug gave a heart felt apology to Dave in front of the class.

They are now friends and speak to many groups together to spread a message of tolerance and non judgment.

This poignant incident demonstrates two truths.

People can change.  Doug has made an incredible transformation from his former life.  To prevent a new generation of hate groups, he continues to speak publicly to young people, in spite of the death contract that has been put on his life by his former associates.

No offense is to great to forgive. Dave forgave a man who humiliated him and nearly beat him to death.

These men demonstrated what it really means to be noble.

Given this example, how can we claim that any individual is incapable of changing and what excuse could any of us have for refusing to forgive?

Divided We Fail

Divided We Fail  Lauren Kennedy http://www.InsitetoExcellence.com

There’s a commercial that always bring a tear of joy to my eye.The tear is quickly followed by feelings of sadness and confusion.

The commercial depicts a foot race. The contenders are mentally or physically disadvantaged children.  One child falls. Another child turns around to check that he is not hurt.  Soon, the other children follow suit. Then they all join arms and run across the finish line together.

I am certain that millions of viewers are also touched by this image. So the question becomes, why don’t we  emulate this behavior?

Have we become so cynical that, although the image is heart warming, we consider it an idealistic fantasy. Or do we value  the self satisfaction of winning,  success  and importance more than the fulfillment of cooperation and harmony?

Sure, we give  lip service to peace and unity.  But we remain obsessed with winning, rather than with the thrill of the game. We strive to be recognized as the best, rather than appreciate excellence in our efforts .We seek to achieve importance and recognition so we can wield our influence and power, forfeiting the close emotional bonds, appreciation and value for who we are, and the fulfillment of contribution,  that result from cooperation and tolerance.

As we view someone performing a selfless act of compassion, ti may evoke a sense of admiration in us. But it is the successful, the wealthy, the powerful, the important people that we respect, that we follow, that we believe possess superior qualities of wisdom, leadership and character. And if wealth and success were achieved through dishonesty, callousness or manipulation, we dismiss or justify or refuse to believe.

We may give a medal for an act of compassion, but we give our respect and our minds to the successful.

I saw a documentary about a man, the wealthiest in the state, being found innocent of first murder, then attempted murder in spite of a preponderance of evidence against him. During his trial, he gave himself a birthday party which was attended by police officials, government leaders and a host of admirers.

The perception seemed to be that such a successful individual couldn’t be guilty of such behavior. Or their desire to acquire some of that importance for themselves through association meant more than how he came by it or his behavior after he had it.

We too, can turn around as the rest of the children did and join forces with the compassionate to give a hand to the struggling. We  too, can join arms and experience a win for all. Or we can pass by the fallen, leaving them stranded, motivated only by our single minded desire or obsessed by our consuming fears or failure and lack,  to grab our own success and importance.

As long as we condone the notion that the only way to succeed is on the backs of others, compassion,  cooperation and mutual success will indeed remain a fairy tale.

But the choice, as always, is our own.

What Is Creative?

Artwork by Lauren Kennedy – http://www.InsitetoExcellence.com

I have added a Gallery Page to my blog. There are several drawings and paintings that I have done. And I will be adding more periodically. Take a look. What do they mean to you?

Creativity is that unquantifiable aspect that makes us human.

Creative activities tap into a source of knowledge deeper than our intellect.  It comes from our heart and soul and speaks to the hearts and souls of the observers. Even viewing a creative work is a creative process, since each person takes away something slightly different from the same piece of creative work.

Creativity is not the sole domain of artist, writers, musicians or theater. A creative work is identified by how something is done rather than what is done.

What do you think it means to be creative? What is creativity?

Please post your thoughts on creativity or the artwork.

Is That All There Is?

“Most men live a life of quiet desperation.”

Do you?

Do you force a smile on your face, stand up straight and go out to meet the world.
Do you stoically keep the dreaded commitments that fill your planner?
Do you unquestionably carry out your mounting responsibilities?

If getting through the day is an effort or a struggle, if your “to do” list has mostly responsibilities that you believe you “should” do and few to none that you “want” to do, if you are scrambling to meet other people’s expectations, if you feel that your life has no meaning or often think to yourself, “is this all there is,” or if you just constantly feel a vague dissatisfaction or unease for no apparent reason, then you have the symptoms of living a life of “quiet desperation”.

We all want to be happy. We often have a list of things that we think will make us happy. Perhaps we decide that a new car is what we need to be happy. But how long would that happiness really last?

Or maybe it’s money that you think will bring you happiness. More money may make your life easier, others may treat you with more respect, and you will have more things and activities to distract you from your emotions or from your emptiness. But can it really make you happy. Can it improve your relationships with others? Will it change how you feel about yourself? Will it make your life have more meaning?

Maybe you think that you must do all the “right” things and live up to everyone’s expectations before you finally can deserve to be happy.

Some of us have amassed a long list of accomplishments, each of which we thought would be the key to our happiness. We think we will be happy when we are successful, when we achieve our goals. Those personal achievements may result in our experiencing some intermittent positive feelings. We may experience a temporary sense of satisfaction and pride. We may enjoy more influence among our friends, associates and community.

But will our achievements sustain us with a lifetime of happiness? Or will we be constantly chasing our next happiness fix?

Some folks say all you have to do is put a smile on your face and decide to be happy. That may improve our attitude, enhance our interactions with others and attract more opportunities to us. These are significant changes, but they don’t increase our innate joy.

So what does is mean to be happy? First of all, “happy” is a feeling. And feelings by definition are transitory.

Feelings are physical sensations produced by vibrations that move through us. It’s only when we resist our emotions that they remain as negative energy in our bodies and our minds. In addition, by ignoring a emotion or pretending it isn’t there, we miss the insight they provide, deny a part of ourselves and numb ourselves to experiencing life fully.

Although feelings, themselves are simply vibrations, the way we perceive them, the meaning we attach to them are an expression of who we are and where we are on our individual life journey. Their purpose is to inform, communicate and guide us.

Feelings are the language of the Soul.

So what is our Soul trying to communicate? Our Soul is guiding us to that which we truly desire. But it’s not happiness which is produce by external events. What we truly desire is a Joyful sense of Being.

Being is internal. Our way of Being in the world colors all of our experiences, perceptions, choices and ultimately our feelings. Being includes our predominate attitude, outlook, expectations, beliefs, sense of self and connection to our Spirit When we are Being inspired, enthusiastic, and elated, we will sustain a sense of comfort and satisfaction no matter what transitory emotions, whether they are happy, sad, afraid, etc., we are feeling temporarily.

We are seeking to “be” Joyous, Free and Secure. When you abide in your innate Being, you are infused with a powerful sense of motivation, purpose and completion deep within. You are no longer dependent on outer circumstances for the temporary feeling of happiness or reward. You may encounter situations that cause sadness, but you will still Be at Peace.

This state of Being cannot be purchased by manifesting money. It cannot be achieved by manifesting success and It cannot be realized by accumulating power or influence.

How can you realize the state of Being ? By expressing and manifesting the true vision that your Soul holds for you.

How do you know what that is?

Listen to your Soul. The message is in the emotion.

Your Soul/Essence communicates to you constantly. It will give you feedback on every situation, every decision, every action, every thought.

Pay attention to your feelings. Don’t judge, deny or discount them. Wait for the call to action. But when it comes, do not hesitate or doubt. Do not analyze the possible outcome.

If you follow your Soul’s guidance, the results will take care of themselves.

You will feel the enthusiasm of living your Purpose.

And you will experience the wonder and thrill of expressing the unique aspect of the Divine Being that you are.

To Your Authentic Life,

Lauren Kennedy