Changes

by: Lauren Kennedy   http://www.InsitetoExcellence.com

Everything changes. It’s impossible to remain the same. Every experience, every encounter, every thought, every action and every feeling changes us in some way.

A leaf must drift with the wind. An insect reacts to its environment. And some animals have little choice but to follow their instincts. Humans have the gift of choice.

It is true that many times circumstances, events and people are beyond our control. Our feelings can arise before we have time to formulate a thought about the situation. But our attitude, our perception and our response is our choice.

We can learn to respond instead of react. We can understand that who we are Being affects our feelings. And we can expand our perception to minimize our fears, eradicate blame, and empower ourselves.

An Impossible Dream? Not at all. Remember every journey begins with the first step. Finding our way requires that we look with fresh eyes, discover new information, acquire new skills, and practice applying what we have learned. We may have to reach out for a guiding hand or an encouraging word to take that next step. It is our responsibility to ask for what we need to proceed on our journey.

Remember, knowing and not doing is the same as not knowing.

And where are we headed on our journey? All of us, every single one, have our sites set on lasting happiness, fulfillment and inner peace. Although our journeys may vary, our destination is the same.

Keep that in mind, when you are setting goals. Immediate happiness may feel good momentarily, but just like the euphoria of a drug induced high, it will quickly fade away to be replaced by a burning yearning inside.

As we choose each step of our journey, we may be unaware at the subtle changes occurring inside. But one day we will awake and notice that the colors seem brighter and the day ahead is inviting. And incredibly, the world, rather than a place full of danger to be avoided or controlled, is instead a wondrous place full of potential and exciting experiences from which to choose.

Claim Ownership of Your Life

by Lauren Kennedy   http://www.InsitetoExcellence.com

What If I left my body alone and unprotected ?
What would become of it?
Would someone steal my heart?
Would it be starved for nourishment?
Would someone control my brain?

What If I left my thoughts and beliefs unguarded?
And discounted the value of the content in my mind.
What set of beliefs would be replaced, and by whom?
Would I let another live rent free in my head?
Would another person steal my memories, replacing them with their own version?
Would someone control my ideas, goals  and direction?

What If I disregarded and ignored my feelings and intuition?
What treasures would I have given away?
Would I know when I was being used?
Would I realize when I was being manipulated for another person’s benefit?
Would I sense when to be cautious, when to take risks and when to jump for joy?

What If I no longer valued my life or myself?
What would become of me?
Would I feel disempowered and unimportant?
Would I allow another person’s thoughts, needs, feelings and desires to take precedence over my own?
Would my life be an exercise in suffering and endurance?

But what if I owned and accepted all of me -  mind, body and spirit?

Would I then respect and nurture my body as a wondrous vehicle for my spirit,
That enables me to sense, move, interact and communicate with my world?

Would I then value my thoughts and beliefs,
That reflect my principles and guide my decisions,
That are the harvested gems of my hard won experience.

Would I then embrace my feelings and intuition as the language of my Soul,
That inform me about my environment, illuminate who I am being, reveal my hopes and desires,
That ignites my passions, motivating me to action, giving  meaning and satisfaction to my spirit.

Would I then treasure my self as the source of special, unique qualities,
That I alone have the potential to express and contribute to the world?

Would I recognize which personal changes are in alignment with my own truth,and which changes result from fear, manipulation or pressure to compromise my values and priorities?

Would I know that my intuition is a gift of guidance from my spirit?

Would I have the self discipline  to remain consciously aware, experience life fully, and live according to my principles?

Would I value and respect all life completely?

Would I have the courage to be true to myself and realize my true potential,
In spite of social norms, the criticism of friends and family or the loss of respect?

Could I love and accept myself each moment?
Could I honor and respect all life completely?

Who then will I become, what will I know and how will I feel?

I feel enthusiasm and passion each day.
I understand that life has meaning and I know my Purpose.
I am living my truth and creating myself in the image of my grandest potential.

This is the path to ultimate success,
And the highway to lasting fulfillment.

If you want a Program that will reveal the road to true success and fulfillment, “The Path to Ultimate Success and Inner Peace” is your answer. Call or email us for a free 30 minute consultation. Ask for Lauren.

excellence@cinci.rr.com

513-889-1870

Don’t Shoot the Messenger

by Lauren Kennedy – http://www.InsitetoExcellence.com

Open mindedness  and staying  green (teachable) is one of the keys to lasting success.

No matter how many college degrees, awards  or experience we have, no matter how many people seek our advice and counsel, no matter our how stellar our track record or how impressive our accomplishments.

Nurturing our sense of curiosity, inquisitiveness, and  thirst for new ideas, experiences and interactions, keep our mind sharp, our enthusiasm high, and our body energized.

There is an enormous amount of information available on every topic, about every subject, and something of interest or benefit for everyone.

Don’t Kill the Messenger

Unfortunately, we often have the tendency to dismiss or ignore certain information depending on our opinion of the messenger. When their opinions are different or offensive, when we think their conversation won’t be  relevant to us, when we view them as less knowledgeable or educated, when their behaviors are questionable, or when their own life is in shambles.

However:

I have heard comments that I were insightful  from people with whom I typically disagreed.

I have developed a deeper understanding of the source of human suffering by listening with an open mind and heart to my clients.

I have had an AHA moment hearing a comment by someone in line at the grocery.

And I have heard a fundamental truth spoken in a moment of clarity by a person with a tenuous grasp on reality.

The words that may be the exact ones that provide the missing idea for a new program,  spark a deeper understanding of a loved one, or inspire the course to change a life could come from anyone.

Anyone.

From a CEO of a Fortune 500 Company, to a student, to a home maker, to a homeless person, to a individual suffering from addiction or to a prison inmate.

Everyone wants to be heard, to be acknowledged  and to be taken seriously. And everyone deserves and needs to have these basic human needs satisfied.

And when we take the time to open our mind and extend our heartfelt attention, more often than not, we are the ones who benefit.

I would love to hear your comments on this or any other post. Don’t be shy!

The Illusion of Control

The Illusion of Control – Lauren Kennedy    http://www.InsitetoExcellence.com

Control. We all want to be in control. Even those of us that are completely out of control, long to achieve it.

Control. Just the thought of it make us feel safer. We like the power and security that we feel when we have it.

We admire individuals who are stoic, in control of their emotions, their speech even and firm, their attitude resolute and definite. And we assume that the words they speak are wiser, their opinions more reliable, and their influence is more dependable.

Control. We want to control other people’s opinions, thoughts, beliefs and actions.
We equate control with self discipline, determination, effectiveness and character. We think it will give us power, respect and self confidence.

Control. From the moment we are born we are admonished to control our anger, control our thoughts, control our tongue, our feelings, our attention. We are judged by how well we control our kids, our composure, our life.

Control. We think it is the solution for our problems and the answer for uncertainty. So we try to control nature, other creatures, other people and other countries.

Control. We think that with enough force we can control the terrorist,  protect our borders from immigrants, eliminate drug addiction, change others’ beliefs, and make it to the top of the heap.

Control. We believe that through control, we can stave off aging, keep our children safe from emotional and physical pain, subdue mother nature, defend ourselves from the unexpected and ensure that our lives proceed according to our own script.

Control. We use our control in an effort to repress our feelings, silence our conscious and ignore that small voice within that could save us from ourselves.

We Love It

Humans have longed to be in control from the beginning.  We craved it. We weren’t satisfied with living care free in paradise. We wanted the  control, too.  So we par took of the forbidden fruit, (there were no apples in the middle east). From the first, we thought we could manage things better than God or the Universe. And we have tried to improve and tightened our methods of control ever since, with dismal results for the environment and our fellow creatures.

Since we first picked up a big stick and discovered we could intimidate, we have used force to control. Now, reacting to our own fear and outrage, we snatch people off the street and hold them without due process, have armed border patrol to keep out the scourge of foreigners, (forgetting that we all are foreigner except the Native Americans.

Control by Intimidation

We have nuclear weapons to intimidate other countries from aggressive action toward us . And they have nuclear weapons to protect themselves from us. We are developing biological weapons as are other countries.  The  viruses that we devoted years to successfully treat, cure and prevent with antibiotics and vaccines, we are now altering genetically to resist those same  vaccines and antibiotics.

These viruses and new ones that we are developing can be set loose on some countries’ citizens because the policies are impeding corporate profits or the current political ambitions.  Our own fears of vulnerability prompt us to react before considering the disastrous results of our actions or from pausing to consider other options. I guess one could argue that mass extermination of some offending country by biological agents is preferable to blowing up the planet.

Control to Avoid Fear and Insecurity

And since we haven’t yet discovered how to control time, we are at least controlling the effects of time on our bodies. We spend millions on resculpting our bodies. Liposuction, building muscles, hair growth, hair removal. We cut off fat, sagging skin and wrinkles. Then we add the appearance of additional flesh on our lips, chest and behinds. We go to great lengths and even greater expense to control our bodies appearance in order to control our image, which in turn controls others’ opinions and judgments.

We over protect our children, making them  ill prepared to cope with life on life’s terms. We do their school papers to ensure they are at the top of the class. We deny any issues or behavioral problems they may have to avoid others’ judging them or us. Or perhaps so we won’t judge them. We rescue them from the consequences of their actions to avoid pain, theirs and ours.

Then we manipulate, shame, threaten, and exhort them to conform to the lifestyle, beliefs, companions and profession that we consider to be the best for them. Never mind what they want. Never taking a moment to reflect on our true motives for our self centered behavior. We want to avoid the pain of them failing or suffering, avoid the inconvenience of emotionally supporting them through the mistakes. More often, we are afraid of how their choices will reflect on us, or we want to live a unfulfilled dream vicariously through them.

Controlling Our Fears

And we control our feelings. We are afraid of being discounted if we are emotional, seen as weak if we admit to fear or insecurity, or considered dangerous and unpredictable if we say we are angry. We don’t seem to realize that feelings don’t control our behavior. Denying or discounting our feelings, plus our assumptions, attitude and perceptions, influence our actions much more intensely.

We have convinced ourselves that control is the answer. And if it doesn’t work, it just means we must find better and more ways to control’

Wrong Answer

But we have been misinformed.  Or perhaps we have just chosen to bury our heads in the sand.

Control isn’t about self discipline, self respect, or determination. It doesn’t solve our problems or neutralize nature. It doesn’t keep us safe or make our lives better. It doesn’t help or protect others or ourselves. Control does not eliminate our feelings but increases their negative affect on our behavior. It doesn’t give us the peace of mind or security that we seek. And it is an illusion that we choose to believe so we can claim surprise, martyrdom, and righteous suffering when things fall down on us.

Control is the result of fear and arrogance.

Arrogance — Our right to dominate, eliminate or abuse any person, creature or the earth without guilt or consequence

Fear – Afraid of not getting what we want, keeping what we have. Afraid of how we will be regarded, afraid of being misused, afraid of loosing control, afraid of failing or succeeding, afraid we can’t cope, afraid of our feelings, afraid of living.

To be clear, control is using any methods that are aggressive, manipulative, dishonest, misleading, intimidating, exhorting, belittling, disrespectful, arrogant and dominating.

Control may bring a temporary illusion of power, as long as we can maintain the status quo. But we will be constantly scrambling to ensure that nothing changes. We will have to be alert to any possible threat to our control: unplanned changes, persons with ideas different from ours, new discoveries that may compromise our power or any other unforeseen situation.

Choose Empowerment not Control

But everything changes. True power is the result of personal empowerment, efficacy, integrity, and acceptance, which has nothing to do with control.

Does control engender respect? No, only fear, outward obedience, and eventually retaliation. We may grab a few thing that we want by control. But we will inevitably want more. So our area of control must increase more and more. Plus we must maintain our control of the things we grabbed up in the first place. No wonder we are stressed.

We Control because We are Afraid

The idea that by controlling our feelings and our surroundings, we can avoid is pain is the biggest lie of all. Bottom line, we control because we are afraid.

Control never resolves the source of our fears. Instead it tries to eliminate them. But our fears reside inside us. When we use control to get what we want, the resistance, equal and opposite in  force will end up controlling us.   And the greater the  suppression or control, the bigger the eminent eruption.

Controlling or resisting our feelings doesn’t make them go away. Neither is it helpful to allow our feelings to control us. But if we try to control, resist, deny, or repress our feelings, they will end up controlling our attitude and behavior. When we manage and explore our emotions, we will then be less likely to react and better able to choose our responses and behaviors. We will be aware of our true motives and intentions.  And we experience more peace of mind.

Control is restrictive, limiting and potentially destructive. It enslaves rather than empowers. It is an unending scramble to control the ever changing flow of life and bend it to our will.

Control is Reactive, Not Proactive

Control demonstrates a lack of imagination, cooperation and self-trust. Control arises from the need to be right, to have things one’s own way and to have power and influence over others. But control is restrictive, limiting and potentially destructive. It enslaves rather than empowers.

Instead of controlling our environment or nature, we must learn to manage it. We may have to change the way we build, where we build, how we get energy, how we manage surplus and lack. We may have to change our mindset to support a better for all approach rather than more and more and more for a few.

We may have to accept that life is about change and growth. It is about our own growth through meeting the unexpected challenges with grace and cooperation instead of fear and domination.

We may have learn to respect and honor character and integrity  rather than image and power.

We may, as the most evolved species, have to take up our responsibility as guardian of the earth and all its creatures, instead of viewing our dominance as  permission to take what we want, destroy what is in our way, ignore the suffering and needs of lower life forms, and dismiss the less powerful populace as insignificant.

We say we value freedom. But control and freedom are mutually exclusive.

For everything that we try to control, there is a more creative and effective method for approaching and resolving the issue.

But so often we choose control instead.

Even the animals learn that control doesn’t work.

Have you ever tried swimming after a ball in the ocean. The harder you swim the faster it floats away. Even the shark swimming to catch a bird floating on the surf realizes that swimming faster doesn’t work and learns to come up from underneath for the catch instead.

We all want to experience freedom, happiness and a sense of belonging and importance. And to a large extent, we have the innate ability to create a life that fulfills those desires.

Can we do it?

The real question is do we want to. We have proven time and again that we can do whatever we set our minds to do. So if we do not, it can only be because we do not care enough to change.

Life is about growth and change. Control allows for neither. Things that do not change, eventually die out. Control is a losing game.

But we can learn to manage the resources of the earth, and manage how and where we live on the earth. We can manage the crops in resourceful ways and irradiate hunger. We can manage our wildlife that is our heritage and our future, giving it the dignity, respect and freedom it deserves.

Acknowledge Our Responsibility

We must embrace our role as protector of the earth and its species. We possess tools more powerful and effective than control: intelligence, imagination passion, empowerment, courage and on good days compassion. With them we can accomplish true growth, better technologies and have the life we desire while still respecting the rights of the earth, its creatures and our fellow humans.

Are We Insane?

We have tried using control for thousands of years. It hasn’t been satisfactory for those being controlled: the earth, its creatures or other humans. And by most measures it has succeeded in resulting in happier, less fearful, more compassionate, wiser, or more enlightened controllers. Can we really expect that doing the same thing will produce different results? That is the definition of insanity.

We consider ourselves the most intelligent creatures on the planet. Will we continue to avoid our responsibilities, blinded by our insanity? We do so at our own peril.

We can choose our future course. We can learn to manage instead of control, to have respect and tolerance rather than to dominant. We can realize that fulfillment and satisfaction is the result of experiencing life rather than controlling it.

Only then will we truly have personal power and experience true freedom.

The choice is ours.

Why Not?

Why Not – by Lauren Kennedy http://www.InsitetoExcellence.com

Many of my articles deal with the aspects of human behavior that cause our own or other people’s pain, suffering, and despair. However, humans have many qualities that are awe inspiring, noble and selfless. I want to focus on those today.

The fact that our species has not only avoided extinction but has thrived is astounding.

Physically, we are the slowest, weakest most defenseless species on the planet. We cannot run, jump, swim  or climb as well as species much smaller than we are. Our strength to body weight is pitiful in comparison to the rest of the animal kingdom. And we have no secret defenses such a camouflage, venom, spines, or odor. Few would have wagered on our survival.

Yes, we do have intelligence. But that alone is not enough to overcome our physical limitations.
It is our imagination, our determination, our cooperation and our willingness to question and say “Why Not?” That has brought us this far.

Why Not?

We first asked ourselves why not stand up on two legs?  And we followed that with our determination to do so. Even  years of evolution after the moment we first stood erect,  walking upright is still a strain on our skeleton. Pregnancy and childbirth are complicated by our upright stance. Our two legged locomotion has allowed us to make the most and best use of our opposible thumbs.  We reap the benefits of our bipedal stance today because we asked Why Not, and then remained determined to continue our upright stance.

Our desire to communicate also overcame the physical limitations of our anatomy. Our voice box is located lower in our throats than other species. That makes us more prone to choking, but we were willing to make the trade off. Chimps, no matter how intelligent can never master vocal communication, because of this limitation. Their voice box remains higher in their throat. But at around the age of two, our voice box descends into its lower position to accommodate our determination to communicate. Once again, because of our quest for Why Not, our form followed our need for function.

To the Ends of the Earth

When resources began to disappear, again we said why not? Why not venture forth and find new lands on which to settle? We had no guarantees that their were better resources elsewhere, nor did we even know if there was an elsewhere to discover. But why not look and see?

When we were being threatened by larger animals or by the tumultuous environment, we said why not risk our own well being to help a fellow human survive. Why not, care for someone who was hurt, injured or less able to help themselves? It afforded us some security in a sometimes hostile environment. And we discovered that although a person may be a burden in one respect, they are often a tremendous asset in surprising ways. Why Not helped us foster compassion, tolerance and respect.

As our settlements grew we said why not let each person specialize in the tasks that they do best. Then we can all trade the products we make, benefit from the best craftsmanship and focus on our individual passions. Why not? It lessened the drudgery of having little choice in tasks. And it paved the way for creativity, cooperation, imagination and passion to blossom.

When our fore fathers decided to liberate the colonies from Britain’s control and begin a new country, they said Why Not have a country governed by the people for the people. It’s never been done, but why not? And while not perfect,  is has the potential to afford its citizens the most freedom. All because some courageous individuals said shoot for an ideal.

During the civil rights era, Martin Luther King Jr. said why not have peaceful protests and peaceful civil disobedience  to gain equal rights and change the constitution. Violent revolution was the norm, but he and millions of followers said why not try to get results through peaceful means.

Many people who took part in the protest  also had to say, why not risk my life and my well being for a cause in which I believe. Why not put my principles before my comfort? Without those people, civil rights would still just be a distant dream. Why not risk all for a dream?

I saw a story about a 12 year old boy who saw the horrific conditions that a bear was enduring in a run down road side “zoo”. He said why not try to spend the time and effort to find the bear a suitable home and also raise the thousands of dollars to transport him there? And as others responded with why not donate money and time to help a fellow creature, the bear found a new home.

Mother Teresa said why not have a center to help the poor and suffering. Why not believe in their individual worth as human beings. Why not believe that the funds and the help will follow. Why not? And follow they did.

Why not go to the moon? Why not find a cure for cancer? Why not strive for peace on earth and good will towards all men and all creatures?

The Beat of Your Soul

Why not has always been viewed by the majority as the course of idealists, madmen and unrealistic fools. But why not is the only battle cry that brings innovation, cooperation, imagination and elevates the consciousness of our species. And more often than not, Why Not combined with determination and perseverance wins the day. Why Not has been the motivation that has instilled the best of our human characteristics.

As life for the developed nations become less a constant challenge for survival, we make up activities to feed our inherent need for excitement and challenge. We climb mountains, jump from cliffs, take part in blood sports. Why not instead satisfy that need for competition and adrenaline by substituting our love of physical challenge for the purpose of challenging ourselves to live with character and principles. Let’s say Why Not to making the changes in our attitudes, perspective, understanding and compassion that would make the world better for all. Why not?

So why not believe that we can have a planet where everyone has enough to eat and drink? Why not help those less fortunate without first judging if they are deserving? Why not learn to live in harmony with the planet, the environment, and the other species and act as guardians of the planet and all its miraculous life forms. Without them we would never have had a place to live on or life to evolve from.

Why not have the courage of our convictions in spite of our fears of the consequences of marching into the unknown and to the rhythm of our own special beat?  Why not trust that by choosing the higher road, we will, in the end, gain far more than we could ever loose. Why not?

WHY NOT?
If you have examples of people that you know or have heard about that have said Why Not and then followed through to make life better for another person, creature or for the planet,  please post your example.

Perhaps your example will help encourage us all to have the courage to say:

Why Not?

Success!

Success! by Lauren Kennedy - http://www.InsitetoExcellence.com

Success! The ultimate win!

Most everyone desires success. Parents want their children to be a success. But what exactly does that mean? Nine out of ten people I ask say that to them success means having a respectable career, abundant income and the high regard of others. And they also rate success as one of their top three priorities. Seldom do I hear a parent say that their goal for their children is honesty, integrity and compassion.

NO! They want their children to be successful.

Many parents expect their children to excel in all that they do in order to assure that they become successful. The parents often have exceedingly high expectations. They often feel that their children’s performance is a reflection on them, which intensifies the child’s guilt if he/she does not live up to their expectations.  This guilt increases the child’s anxiety and reduces their sense of self trust often resulting in them denying their own dreams.

I can understand parents’ desire for success for their children.  We all want our children to enjoy the best life has to offer. Successful people often seem to get the best breaks and to be above reproach regardless of their culpability.

Success Means Prefered Treatment

White collar criminals tend to serve less prison time and are not regarded with the same distain
as the common criminals although their crimes often involve greater sums of money and effect
many more people.

Some how, our society equates success with sterling character. Many times I have heard a newscaster say in shock and surprise, “No one would expect a crime like this to happen in such an affluent community.” And of course, there are the inherent inequalities that plague the criminal justice system depending on the net worth of the accused.

Character is Found Equality in Rich and Poor

I have had the opportunity to live and mingle with the very rich and the very poor. I have never
noticed any significant difference in the general moral fiber between the two, expect perhaps the
poor tend to be more honest about their transgressions.

Although as a society, we tend to put the elite on a pedestal, as individuals there is the vague realization
that this is a lie. So why do we continue to honor this fairy tale?

Why Success?

I believe it come back to the question “Why do we want success?” The response is typically external items, such as wealth, leisure, prestige, respect, power and influence.

Although money can’t buy you happiness, the truth is that money can and does make life easier, less stressful, and more enjoyable. And it is pretty effective at buying respect, deflecting judgment and providing the freedom to live as one likes. However, once you reach that pinnacle of success, it becomes more difficult to avoid facing the fact that there is still something missing.

Some people continue to avoid facing this truth by setting bigger and better goals. Some people use competition to mask the vague discomfort that arises after the climax of their most recent conquest. But what remains is the compulsive need to achieve more and more to seek that missing something in external conquests, various compulsive recreations, or blaming and criticizing others in order  to fill the emptiness within.

Basic Needs Must Be Met

Our obsession with success is fueled by our  basic human needs that success – career,
abundant income and the high regard of others- seems to represent. Maslow’s pyramid specifies that certain basic human needs must be met in order to have a fulfilling life. Beside the essentials of food,
shelter, clothing, human beings also have psychological needs. People believe that  success
will provide these needs: a sense of belonging and importance; a feeling that one counts and can make a
difference, freedom of expression, creativity and self actualization. Many people believe  that by achieving success, they will be afforded these rights without the risk of judgment, rejection and condemnation for their choices.

Humans also need to have a sense of purpose. Pursuing success artificially fills this need temporarily.
However, once success is achieved, they feel an emptiness unless they have realized a deeper,
more substantial sense of purpose to which they can aspire.

Success!

So what is the point of these observations?

The goal to have a respectable career, abundant income and high regard of others is a wonderful objective. But the assumption that this form of success will result in freedom and fulfillment is a recipe for despair and disappointment, whether or not an individual achieves this goal.

Success that is solely defined by external accomplishments will never result in inner fulfillment, freedom
or satisfaction. Those attributes can only be acquired when we find personal success through Personal Freedom.

And that’s an inside job.

Manage Yourself, Manage Your Life

Manage Yourself, Manage Your Life – Lauren Kennedy  http://www.InsitetoExcellence.com

Not enough time, not enough energy, not enough space. Too much information, too many obligations, too many deadlines, too many obstacles. No communication, no cooperation, no consideration. Over committed, over budgeted, over the barrel. Anxiety, insecurity, confusion, despair.

Life is out of control!

Sound familiar? In our fast-paced world many people feel this way at one time or another. But if you feel this way most of the time, it can be a stressful way to live.

Many books offer tips and suggestions for efficient time management, which are helpful and necessary. But often it’s an underlying attitude that sets the cycle of chaos in motion. Unless we correct our attitude, we will just be running around frantically trying to plug up the leaks in the dam. If you want to better manage your life, you first have to learn how to manage yourself. We need a different attitude and a different approach.

There are two approaches that set the scene for turmoil.   We are trying to control other people, places and things or we are trying to control other people places and things. Yes, I wrote that twice. That’s because there are two methods we use to control. One is easily recognizable. It goes something like this. “If everyone would just do things my way, everything would be fine.”

We tell others what they should do and explain to them why they should be thrilled to do it the way we say. After all, it’s for their own good. We plan every activity out in detail so nothing will go wrong, and when something or someone doesn’t proceed according to our script, we become angry. We can’t understand why others can’t do what they are told or why they would just ignore us. We become self righteous. After all, we spent our time and effort going beyond the call of duty to prepare a failsafe plan of action that everyone can follow.

If everyone would have just adhered to our plan, things would have worked out. So of course this disaster couldn’t be our fault. It must be the government’s fault, or the unemployed folks’ fault, or the barking dog’s fault, or perhaps it’s your fault. We try to anticipate every possible obstacle, every possible betrayal, every possible nuance, and every possible situation in which someone or something may disrupt our strategy, whether it’s by being irresponsible, ignorant, or just difficult. And when one domino falls in a way we didn’t anticipate…. we’re completely undone because we have no plan for that. That wasn’t supposed to happen. And besides, the moron should have known better. We told them what to do, after all.

Now sometimes we justify our incessant need to control by identifying it as setting goals and being prepared. We may even construe it as visualizing the specifics toward our desired manifestation.

But in reality, we are reacting out of fear.

Fear that things won’t turn out the way we want. Fear that we won’t succeed. Fear that we won’t know how to respond in a new situation. Fear that others will sabotage us. Fear that others are incompetent. Fear that the Universe won’t get it right. And fear is the ultimate enemy of success, relationships, health, joy and the freedom to have a fulfilling life.

Now we move on to control under cover. It’s more difficult to recognize but it’s also more stressful. We try to be perfect. We try to be agreeable. We rationalize and justify when we fall short. We try to meet everyone’s expectations and fabricate excuses or apologize profusely when we find it impossible to do so. We avoid conflict and shrink from making requests. Instead we drop hints, withdraw or use some other form of manipulation in the hopes that others will give in, feel guilty, read our mind or come to our rescue.

We fool ourselves into believing we are being selfless by giving in to others. Or we tell ourselves that what we wanted wasn’t that important, or that we can handle the disappointment, the inconsiderate treatment, etc.  Often we believe that others don’t value us or our opinions and feelings. We think people are taking advantage of our good nature. We don’t risk doing anything unless we’re certain we will perform with excellence and beyond reproach.

We can’t say no because we don’t want others to think poorly of us. We don’t follow our dreams because we feel compelled to meet the expectations of others. We don’t pursue our passions because we might embarrass others or ourselves. We fear being ridiculed and believe we will crumble if we are criticized. The result is that we feel used and discounted.

We can’t stand the disappointment of losing but we also don’t want others to be angry with us or feel resentful if we win, so we avoid the situation altogether.

Why? We are afraid.

Afraid others will get angry and get back at us. Afraid we’re not good enough. Afraid we aren’t important. Afraid others will ridicule or discount what we have to say. Afraid we might fail if we tried. Afraid to live life and afraid to express who we are.

These may be the extremes. But most of us, if we are honest can see one or two tendencies that are familiar. Fear is the motivation for control, whether it is overt control or manipulative and avoidant.

To gain a sense of order in our lives, we first must admit that we are afraid, something that we would all prefer to deny. Then we must accept that we typically cannot eliminate the cause of our fear. Something we really don’t like. But fear won’t kill us and fear itself doesn’t have to affect our lives in a negative way. It is our reaction and our attempt to resist the sensation of fear that produces our spiritual and psychological suffering. There is no easy three step action plan to eliminate fear. Believe me I would have found it long ago.

However, there are ways to walk through the fear. And it’s usually less painful that we had imagined.

The first step is to admit and acknowledge that the fear is there. You don’t necessarily have to do this out loud and publicly. But surprisingly, I have often found that people are not at all judgmental when I do openly admit to feeling afraid.  They actually seemed relieved to know that others feel the same way they do. Plus it does away with the stress of pretending to be cool, calm and collected when my knees are shaking and perspiration is streaming down my brow.

Realize that no matter how detailed your plan may be, life is unpredictable, people are unpredictable and even the most rigidly organized among us is at times, unpredictable. We cannot control what people do, no matter how convincing we are, nor can we control how others will feel about us no matter how agreeable we are.

The energy I spent in the past, trying to control people, places and things so I wouldn’t feel vulnerable, I now redirect into responding creatively to the situations that do arise, not the ones that could. Often I find that by being flexible, I am able to see and act on an opportunity in an unexpected situation. Ironically, the result is more satisfying than anything I could have orchestrated in my most detailed and researched plan. And what a nice surprise that can be.

Being flexible and having the ability to be spontaneous does not negate the need for preparedness.  Not being sufficiently prepared is a sure fire way to put your anxiety level into orbit. Being prepared is not the same thing as control. Preparation means, being knowledgeable about the situation or topic, practiced in any necessary skills, and being up to date on any relevant information.

The most important step that we can take to let go of control and manage our life is to work on ourselves. Inner growth is the most important strategy we have to eliminating the feeling of being out of control. It is a strategy that we must continue for our lifetime, if we are to enjoy continued growth and success.

No matter what kind of external success we may accumulate, if our insides are a mess, the successes quickly lose their significance. You can fix up a lemon of a car on the outside. It may look good and you may get a lot of compliments, but the ride won’t be much fun and it won’t get you very far.

Get spiritually connected, whatever that means for you. Practice integrity and consistency. Integrity takes care of any fear of being found out for a secret transgression and helps increase self-worth. A healthy sense of self worth always tends to make fear less debilitating. And consistency eases communication and strengthens relationships because others know what to expect from you.

But the bottom line is that we cannot avoid coming face to face with fear occasionally. Instead of letting fear consume you, take a step back and observe the fear and observe yourself, too. That process of switching from a subjective to an objective perspective often eases the intensity of the emotional response and minimizes negative self judgments. Remember, you are not your feelings. Your feelings do not define who you are or your measure as an individual and they do not have to control your behavior.

It’s how you respond and interact with your feelings that helps shape your character.

Our feelings are simply vibrations that move through us and produce sensations. Our fears give us information about ourselves if we can just stop and observe them. Information that can, if we chose to use it, enable us to grow, expand and enjoy a more satisfying life. When we try to avoid fear, we spend time and energy trying to control external conditions, which is a war we cannot win.  We can put that energy to better use. It is not necessary to be fearless to take action. It just takes the willingness to walk through the fear.  If we want to improve how we manage our life, we must let go of the compulsion to control, whatever form it takes.

To manage our lives we must learn to manage ourselves.

We can recognize which of our behaviors are controlling by identifying the motivation behind our actions. Control is typically motivated by fear in some form. We are often unaware of this or chose to ignore it. But the result is the same. The harder we try to control circumstances on the outside, the more out of control we eventually feel on the inside. Fear may be an uncomfortable sensation. Just like a headache or a sore muscle can be an uncomfortable physical sensation. We may prefer not to feel the discomfort of a headache or sore muscle but we seldom deny or run from them. What would be the point?

You cannot escape your feeling and you cannot out run yourself.

Accept that you are experiencing fear, but keep moving toward your goals and in alignment with your values and priorities. Then pat yourself on the back.

The most courageous people were afraid. Courage isn’t the absence of fear. Courage is taking action in the face of fear. And that is the greater accomplishment.

Black and Blue

By Lauren Kennedy – http://www.InsitetoExcellence.com

One of life’s challenges and greatest rewards results from our relationships with others. But sometimes it feels like a balancing act. We have our personal responsibility to take care of ourselves, honor our own feelings and meet our own needs. We also have an obligation to extend compassion, understanding, honesty and support to our fellow beings.

We all have times when we feel our relationships and life is a struggle. And sometimes it feels like we are banging our head against the wall. Perhaps the issue is an obstinate person. Other times it may be an objectionable situation. But the harder we try to improve the circumstances, the more resistance we seem to encounter.

So what do we usually do? We push even harder. Then the negative thoughts and feelings really take off. The specifics can vary, depending on our personal tendencies and issues. But they generally fit into one of the following patterns.

We become angry. (We believe that the individuals involved are just ignorant, they are out to get us, they don’t care about us, they don’t want to admit that we are right, or they just want their own way. )

Some of us may feel defeated, powerless or victimized. (No one ever listens to me. I try to get things accomplished but everyone works against me. I don’t have the influence that others do.)

Or we feel inadequate. (What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone like my suggestions. I must not be important enough for anyone to take seriously.)

Whether we feel angry, powerless or inadequate, we all end up feeling frustrated and beat up by the time we’ve gone a few rounds with the complication, be it a person or situation.

The assumptions and opinions we have formed about the situation, based on our emotional reaction, may or may not be true. The problem is that we are trying to control or change people or circumstances. We then condemn ourselves and others when we don’t get our way.

Whenever I feel like I’m constantly walking into walls, I recognize that getting black and blue isn’t effective. I know that I have developed tunnel vision. And I am probably trying to change or control a situation. And guess what? We cannot expect to change or control anything but ourselves, and controlling ourselves can be a tall order at times.

I can hear all of your objections. Some of you may be thinking, “I know how to get what I want.” However, I am assuming that you are extending the other person the dignity of free will, honesty, accurate information without hidden agendas and below the belt emotional hijacking.

Neither am I suggesting resignation, blind acquiescence or self defeating capitulation. Consequently, the only real option that we have, short of picking up an automatic weapon or resorting to extortion, is to adjust our own perspective, choices, attitude, beliefs and behavior.

Perhaps these two examples from my own life will clarify this point.

My children have the tendency to drop their coats, shoes, book bags, etc., leaving a trail of debris on the floor. They frequently wait until 15 minutes before school to do their homework, complaining that I should have reminded them, (I guess 6 reminders the night before didn’t count), and they leave cereal boxes wide open, sitting in various locations around the house. . Of course this is unacceptable. But I don’t like to endure their tears and pain that giving them consequences always produce. Instead I planned to explain to them why they must do things differently. And I convinced myself that once they understood, they would then gladly comply. When that didn’t work, I decided perhaps I just hadn’t explained it well enough, so I tried again, and again.

Here’s the next example.

Growing up I longed for my father’s approval. I tried to be stoic because emotions upset him. I tried to be perfect. I made sure not to have fun until I had completed all my responsibilities because according to him “Life isn’t suppose to be fun.” I accomplished one goal after another. I twisted myself into knots trying to figure out how to act to get my father’s approval and respect. I only succeeded in becoming more and more depressed and desperate.

The light finally dawned and I realized that there was nothing that I could do to change my father’s perception. I could destroy myself trying to get his respect, or I could accept that he was unable to give me the approval I desired. I would have to change. I could choose to learn to give myself the validation that I sought from him. I could focus on the people who did think highly of me. I would have to re-discover who I truly was behind all the images that I presented for the benefit of others. And I would have to have the courage to experience and express my own truth, desires, and feelings. I had to become Authentic regardless of other people’s expectations and judgments.

In the situation with my children, I would either have to resign myself to clutter, stale cereal and poor grades, or I would have to suck it up, experience and process my feelings, and give them the appropriate consequences. Giving in to my discomfort with my children’s tears and distress, I neglected to give them appropriate consequences. The result was that I wasn’t fulfilling my job description as a parent, (teaching my children to be responsible and respect themselves and others).

They began to disregard whatever I asked them to do (or they experienced temporary hearing loss). I also had started to feel ignored and discounted because I had been disregarding my own feelings and my need to have an organized and tidy home. By permitting them to trample all over my boundaries, I had taught them how to treat me. And I didn’t like the result.

My sense of worth and importance are created by the way I treat myself. This includes establishing boundaries, valuing my own feelings and needs, and discouraging disrespectful behavior. The way I treat myself influences how others will treat me. More importantly, the way I treat myself impacts my sense of worth more than any other single issue.

Frequently our friends, associates and peers will behave in ways that upset us. We always have the right to be treated with respect. But we do not have the right to expect them to mold themselves according to our preferences. And we cannot assume that others, even our spouse, will always be aware of the specific words and actions that will distress us. We all perceive things differently. But if someone has said or done something that is unacceptable, it is our responsibility to seek a solution.

Upon reflection, we may conclude that we were over reacting due to having to fix our flat tire in the rain on the way to work. Or because it was the same phrase and tone of voice that our ex romantic partner used before they walked out the door with our drop dead gorgeous and wealthy replacement. In that case, we can attempt to feel grateful that they have made us aware of an issue requiring our attention. We then have the opportunity to choose to process and release the blocked, negative energy within us.

If we decide that the other person’s actions were unacceptable, often just bringing it to their attention will be enough. We simply express our feelings about the situation to them. Although this can be uncomfortable for some people, it is our responsibility to clarify how we want to be treated so we can release the negative emotions rather than allowing them to ferment into resentments and blame. Take note, however, it’s our feelings about the situation or the behavior that we share. Not our opinions, beliefs, or judgments about the individual or their actions.

For situations and/or individuals that may be resistant to our request, there is a formula for creating and delivering your message that I have found to be very effective.

Keep in mind that getting our desired outcome in any situation isn’t the measure of success. People with that mindset are easily tempted to rationalize that the ends justify the means. To be a person of character and integrity, we must make choices that are congruent with our values and principles. Regardless of the outcome, demonstrating character and integrity render you successful.

Remember, if you feel beat up from continuously running into the brick wall, stop, and look for the door.

To Your Authentic Life,

Lauren Kennedy